My therapy session was very intense. We talked about at lot of things I did not want to talk about. But, first and foremost, we attempted to address my anxiety and depression. It appears as though, I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve always been worried about everything. I just thought that was normal. Apparently not.
I worry about things that are out of my control. For example: someone breaking into my house, my house catching on fire, my house blowing up, someone breaking into my car, the list goes on… And I have no reason to worry about these things because they’ve never happened to me personally. Now that my daughter is here, my anxiety is intensified. I worry about her constantly. She is at daycare while I work and I think about her all day. She is in good care. I would never leave her with someone that I didn’t think was capable of taking care of her, but I still worry. It literally consumes my day. What if she bumps her head? What if they let a stranger in and take her? All the “what if’s” in the world, I can guarantee you I’ve thought of.
An even bigger issue is leaving her on the weekend. That’s the only time that I have with her and I want to be with her constantly. I feel like I miss out on so much during the week and my weekend is my chance to make that up. Oh, and her bedtime is a big issue with me to. She is ready for bed every single night at 7:00 p.m. Sometimes a little before if she didn’t sleep well that day, but never ever after. She will not go to sleep anywhere except at home in her crib. She does not simply drift to sleep ever so peacefully in someone’s arms. Hell no. We have our specific routine and if it’s not followed, all hell will break loose. Hence, my anxiety of being at home by 7:00 p.m. every single night. Guess what? The world does not stop turning at 7:00 p.m. every single night. People, my friends, go out and enjoy dinner and drinks. I sit at home. Do I want to? No. But I do. It’s easier that way.
My anxiety starts with things I cannot control. How do I fix this? Two things my therapist told me, stop watching the news, and stop following news related posts on Facebook and Twitter. I find myself drawn to and over thinking news related posts. While your average person can just watch the news or read a post and brush it off, I can’t. That inmate that got loose from prison two days ago…I sleep very lightly until he is caught. Because I know for a 100% fact he/she is coming to my house to kill me. I just know it. Sounds really fucking stupid, right? I can’t help it. That’s the way I think. That murderer that killed a person halfway across town…They are coming for me next. That house that got broke into 4 streets over, yea, you guessed it, I just know that my house is next. I cannot brush it off. I keep thinking about it and replaying scenarios that could happen in my head. So, to fix this, I have to eliminate the source I cannot control which is the news and social media posts. Sounds simple. Like, why in the hell did I need to go see a therapist to tell me that? I don’t know. I just did. As soon as I left therapy, I deleted and unfollowed all news related people on all social media. I instantly felt better. One day later, I still feel good about it. I felt like I was constantly reading and researching to see the latest negative thing that happened in my town. Now, I don’t have to do that. It feels nice.
The other thing my therapist told me to do was exercise. I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS struggled with my weight. I’ve always struggled to maintain my weight and maintain a religious exercise program. Well, hopefully all that is changing because I have signed up for CrossFit. I start this upcoming Monday. According to her, the hormone that controls anxiety is called cortisol. Obviously mine is elevated since I have high anxiety. A good, hardcore, sweat dripping off me workout, will lower the cortisol. What better than CrossFit? Lord help me that I actually live through it.
So, this is where I’m at for the moment. Hoping for better days.
–The Kentucky Momma