I have been searching and searching and searching to explain what I’m feeling and I think I finally found it.

Rage? Is this even a possible emotion for me to feel?

Yes, yes it absolutely is. And it is the scariest emotion I have ever felt in my life. I found a blog post Scary Mommy – PPD and Rage that described this emotion and this condition, postpartum rage, perfectly.

I can remember the first time I experienced rage.

My husband and I have a huge group of friends. I mean literally huge; about 30 people that we hang out with. We have all been friends since high school. About once every couple of months, we try to round everyone up and go to a local Mexican restaurant to eat and have a couple of drinks. In 2014, four of the girls within our group had babies and there were already two kids in the group before this. So, I’m sure you can only imagine what we look like. We are the loud obnoxious people that you hate in the restaurant. And just imagine a little tequila in us…

My daughter’s bed time is always at 7. I hesitate to take her out because she cannot fall asleep anywhere except in her crib at night and if she does not get her way, she fusses and cries until we have to leave. Against my better judgement, I took her out. I told my husband we would drive separate and he could stay and have fun and then I would take her home when she was ready. Seems simple enough right?

No…no, not at all.

One 16 ounce margarita and I was not ready to leave, but my daughter was. I tried to ignore her cries in the loud restaurant. I let other friends try to walk around and soothe her, but she wasn’t having it and I am not good at blocking out my child’s cries, especially when I know exactly what she wants. She wanted to snuggle up with her favorite blanket, in her crib, in her dark room, with her Sleep Sheep imitating a heartbeat. BUT, I wasn’t ready to go. The whole group of friends was there. Literally, all 30 of us, and I did not want to sacrifice the rest of my night at home alone, just so she could go to bed. Selfish? Absolutely. At the moment in time, I did not care.

So what did I do?

I literally went crazy on my husband.

I started to pack her up and he started to help and I waved him away. I wanted nothing to do with him. I was jealous that he was going to be able to stay and have fun with our friends and I was not. When he didn’t go away, I verbally assaulted him. In not so many words, I just told him to go the fuck away and I was pissed he was staying. I’m sure he was confused because of our prior arrangements. I could literally feel myself getting madder by the millisecond. I can’t explain it. I got to the point of blacking out I was so mad. I honestly do not even remember the full conversation between him and I. I began to have tunnel vision. I didn’t even look at anyone before I left. I remember someone asking if I was okay and I said,

“No, I want to slit his throat.”

And I walked off. In hindsight, did I really want to slit his throat, no. Seriously, no. That’s the first time I have ever wanted to physically harm someone. That’s the first time I ever blacked out I was so mad. And for what? Because he didn’t go home with me when I previously told him he could stay?

What in the actual fuck is wrong with me?I walked out of the restaurant with her put her in the car with me and took a few deep breaths and drove home. Yes, I drove with her after a 16 ounce margarita. Sue me. I won’t be the first or the last mother to do this.

It was at that point, I decided I needed help.

I tried to deal with the emotions on my own and it simply wasn’t working.

Today is the day that I am getting help. I have found a therapist and today will be my first appointment. I will follow up with the details.