So, one thing that I’ve unfortunately experienced after giving birth is post partum depression. I am a very strong person mentally and emotionally, so I never thought I would be faced with this. Boy, was I wrong.
I’ve never been depressed or anxious so I didn’t know what that feeling was at the time. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings, nor did I want to accept that fact that I was actually feeling depressed and anxious. It was almost embarrassing, in a sense, that I had let myself some to this. I was in denial for a very, very long time. I didn’t want to admit to the world, or much worse, myself, that I was depressed. In the beginning, I just contributed most of my feelings to the “baby blues”. I mean, I was a brand new mom to a colic baby. What was there to be happy about? All she did from the moment she woke up until we FINALLY put her to sleep at night was cry. Once the crying continued to worsen, I started to question my parenting abilities and if I had made the right choice to become a parent. My husband and I were doing everything under the sun to keep our little girl happy. We (I) researched and researched and researched how to make her crying stop and no matter what we did, it just didn’t help. She cried nonstop for 3 1/2 months. She never accepted the pacifier, so we couldn’t take her out of the house because she would just cry the whole time. I breastfed on demand so I felt like I had to be there with her. I basically didn’t leave the house for about 3 1/2 months. Just imagine what that can do to a person.
My little girl is 6 months old now. The crying has stopped and we have a happy little baby. And I have depression and anxiety worse than ever now. When she was 4 months old, I finally returned to work and we had to put her in daycare. It felt good to get into a routine and have a purpose in life. I felt like I was more than a milk machine. I was an accountant that helped people everyday. It felt very good not to be with her 24/7. When she was 5 months old it all started to go downhill for me. One day I picked my sweet baby out of the crib and she just cried and cried and cried. Her cry to me translated as “Please don’t take me to daycare, not today.” That was all it took and I had a complete breakdown. I cried the whole way to daycare, I cried when I took her into daycare, I cried on the way to work, I cried all day at work, and I cried even when I picked her up. For the record, she was perfectly fine at daycare and probably had no idea that I was even gone.
Ever since that day, I have cried every single day at some point. I’m so sad not to be with her. I’m so sad that someone else gets to spend the whole day with her. I’m so sad that when she gets home, she’s ready to go to be 2 hours later. I’m so sad that I literally only have the weekends to get to experience my little girl. I’m just sad. I’m not a happy person anymore. I’m not myself anymore. I had to do something about it.
This past weekend, I went to my family doctor to get bloodwork done. They are basically just checking to make sure all of my organs are functioning properly, checking my hormones and thyroid. Apparently those two things can stay out of wack for a while after giving birth. I go back this weekend to get the results and then I’m going to see a therapist. I’m trying to get my life back together without taking any medicine. In some cases, I know that medicine is necessary, but for my case, I’d like to try without it.
The point of this, maybe had I accepted my symptoms of PPD sooner, i would feel like today. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone. Reach out and get help. You are not alone and you are not the only person that feels like this. I’m here sharing my story in hopes that if someone else can relate, they can get they help they need or even talk to me!!! I sure as hell ain’t a doctor, but I love talking with people who are in similar situations as myself. It makes me feel like a human to know that I’m not the only person experiencing the same thing.
Until next time…Love y’all.
–The Kentucky Momma