Anonymous no more!!

Whenever I first started this blog, I initially wanted to remain anonymous. I was scared to put a face to “The Kentucky Momma”. I was scared to associate MY face with “The Kentucky Momma”. Then, I slowly realized, how is my blog going to be believable or even readable if people don’t associate a face with the blog. And who doesn’t love babies! Everyone wants to see pictures on pictures of babies! I want people to know that I am a real person with real problems. I want people to know that I’m not perfect and I don’t want to hide behind my computer. I want to put it all out there. So, here we are, “The Kentucky Momma” aka Keisha and baby Raelynn:

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I ain’t perfect and never intend to be.

–The Kentucky Momma

Canadian Health Care

I’m sure we’ve all heard about how wonderful and FREE Canadian Health Care is. BUT, I’ve come across something that puts it into a little better perspective, at least for me.

I have the What To Expect App on my iPhone. I downloaded it from the moment I got the big fat positive on my home pregnancy test and I still have it because it updates you on what your child should or should not be doing at a certain point in their lives. My favorite part of the app are the discussion boards. I am a part of the Breastfeeding board, the Exclusively Pumping boards, and the August 2014 board. I frequent them multiple times per day. I think this post came from the August 2014 board. A woman posted this:

http://www.whattoexpect.com/wom/baby/my-two-maternity-leaves-couldn-t-have-been-more-different.aspx?iid=mobileapp_blogpost-word-of-mom_

I just read this article about this Mothers experience with her maternity leave and not ready to I back to work , and I know a lot of women here have returned to work and holy man ! Kudos to you.

I live in Canada , you get preggers you are entitled to a year off . Paid ( government paid 65% of your highest paid salary)

You get pregnant you go to the doctor … You don’t pay , I had three doctors ( family , gyno and a specialist for my kidneys) none of which I had to pay for any visits . I give birth , I get a private room on a private floor with nurses just for me , when I left I didn’t pay anything .

I remember hearing everyone discuss the costs of doctor visits and having to pre pay the hospitals prior to birth. I live in Canada , everyone pays taxes so everyone to entitled to free health care

Anyways off topic !

Here are to the moms who only had 12 weeks or less to bond and enjoy their new baby then return to work and have to balance work and pumping and day cares for infants . Owen is 7 months and I am nowhere close to wanting to go back to work even now I feel it’s to early .

I started thinking about this when last week I was waiting in a waiting room in my sisters office building down town and the 70 year old security man made small talk and asked what everyone here in Canada ask’s – if I had taken the full year off which I gladly said YES and even he said good , that this time is more precious to them then it is to us. And after I read this my heart breaks for the new moms who return to work barely recovered from having a damn baby come out of them , some still sore and sill bleeding . I think these women need a standing ovation , really you don’t even realize how hard it really is but you just do it !

REALLY????????? I’m currently around $8000 in debt for having my child.

I am 7 months post partum and I have zero desire to be at work right now. My child is under the care of someone else. Which I hate. And I have to be hooked up to a pump all day long. NOT COOL AT ALL. I’m left to wonder when or even if we could adopt the Canadian health care system. I mean, it works for them. I’m not looking for a debate, just somewhat envious of this person and their maternity leave.

–The Kentucky Momma

Better days…

I’m feeling better today after my near breakdown yesterday. I really think the only thing that keeps me in check these days are my CrossFit workouts. I had one last night and I felt so much better afterwards. I did “Fran” for the first time. It basically consisted of thrusters and modified pull ups. My time was 6:17 and I finished second out of my group. I ALWAYS finish last so that was a nice change. Gave me a little confidence and helped me blow off some steam.

So today, since I’m feeling okay and not totally crazy, I’d like refocus a bit and talk about breastfeeding and how it’s been for me. I have a very literal love/hate relationship with breastfeeding.
It’s been one hell of a ride. I knew from the moment I was pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure I was educated on how to breastfeed. I read blog after blog after blog about what real mothers did and how they succeeded. I enjoyed reading different women’s perspectives on what they did and how they did it and what they used to help them. It was really empowering. I soon realized that even after all my reading, it’s really about what works for you and your baby. I cannot express that enough.

 

I remember right after I had her, I knew I needed to feed her. I was so scared. I didn’t want it to hurt. And no one was helping me. I kept asking for help and no one in my hospital was stepping up to the plate. It was really aggravating because it was so important to me. So, 4 hours later, she finally latched on for the first time. While trying to educate myself on breastfeeding, I kept reading one statement over and over, “If it hurts, you are doing it wrong.” Well guess what, it fucking hurt. And it hurt bad. My little girl had a horrendous latch and and she is tongue tied and lip tied. I had cracked and bloody nipples the entire time in the hospital. A lactation consultant finally came to see me and she was a god send. I kept telling her that she was coming with me. I really did not know how I was going to do this at home, by myself, without the lactation consultant.

On top of all this, it took her FOREVER to eat. Because of her bad latch and being tongue and lip tied it took her longer to extract the milk. This was my schedule: Eat every two hours, 40 minutes per boob, total time 1 hour and 20 minutes. Within the 40 minutes she wasn’t eating, I would change her, and she would nap a little, but of course, only with me holding her. She screamed bloody freaking murder if she even though I was going to set her down. So, repeat that schedule every 2 hours, all day, for about 3 months. Do you blame me for being crazy?

The pain was really excruciating whenever she would initially latch on,  like toe curing excruciating, but it eventually got better around 8 weeks. Her time did not improve until she was around 3 1/2 months old. She went to about 15 minutes per boob.

In the beginning, I hated breastfeeding. It was such a hassle and it was all me. My husband couldn’t help because he didn’t have tits. Sure, he could change her diaper, or change or cloths, or get me water, but he couldn’t feed her. I cannot even begin to express to you how many times I wanted to give her formula. And just for the record, I am not against formula at all. If I had to give my daughter formula to ensure she was eating and getting proper nutrition, then I would have given her formula. And OMGGGGG the cluster feeding. Kill me now. In her first 6 weeks of life, every Friday she would cluster feed from 5 pm – 10 pm. NONSTOP FEEDING FOR 5 HOURS. That’s probably what made me so crazy…

We are now 7 months in and I love breastfeeding because it’s the best feeling in the world knowing that I am able to give her breast milk. I enjoy it because it’s our time together. After a long day at work, I look forward to feeding her and relaxing with her. We are at about a 20 minute feeding time and sometimes….just sometimes…I miss the longer feeds. Never in a million year did I think I would love and enjoy breastfeeding. It did not come easy though.  I don’t think it comes easy for anyone. If you can establish a breastfeeding relationship with your little one, then I KNOW you worked your ass off . Even if breastfeeding was really easy for you, I KNOW it’s still hard work. In the first couple of months of life, breastfeeding is a real bitch. Between the pain, the bloody nipples, the middle of the night feeds, the lack of sleep, the I WISH MY HUSBAND HAD TITS thoughts, I could go on forever….

My original goal was to breastfeed for 6 months and then switch over to pumping. FYI, I fucking hate pumping. That’s a whole other post for a whole other day. But, we have such a good routine and I don’t really see myself stopping anytime soon.

Trying for more happier posts 🙂

–The Kentucky Momma

I don’t know where my place is in the world right now…

I can see and feel how quickly the nature of this blog is going to change. My original intention for this blog was for me to write about day to day scenarios about being a mom. Now, it’s changing into an outlet and documenting my anxiety which, in my opinion, is getting worse.

I am not happy with so many things in my life right now, one thing in particular is my work situation. I am an accountant. I started with a company in high school and worked there through college gaining the majority of my accounting experience. I then left because I was ready for the corporate world. Wrong. Hated every single second of it. Then, I decided to start my own business. It definitely had it’s ups and downs. More so downs than ups. I loved being able to set my own schedule. I made enough money to pay our bills, but we never had any extra. Then I lost my biggest client. My daughter was 2 months old at the time. This, I feel, was a really big turning point for me. I felt like such a failure. I immediately reached out to a hiring agency because I knew I would have to go back to work full time. I would never be proud enough to let my family go without. I almost instantly got an interview and as soon as I went on the interview, I knew I got the job. So, I was about to be on someone’s else schedule 40 hours a week and my daughter was going to have to go to daycare. Another huge turning point for me, I feel.

I usually pride myself in the fact that I am a really hardworker. I am the breadwinner in our family so I have to work. We are drowning in bills and debt, particularly student loan debt. We don’t have credit cards. We have student loans, house payment, car payment. Basically typical debt that everyone has.

I just feel like a complete fuck up right now.  I don’t know any other way to put it. I called in work today because I just feel like I couldn’t do it. I’ve NEVER felt like that. I NEVER call in. That’s just not me. I feel like I have failed so miserably in my life as far as work goes. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling extremely helpless and lost right now.

Pray for me.

–The Kentucky Momma.

I just don’t understand…

…why the feeling of anxiety has literally taken over my life. Having my little girl has changed my entire world. I would not replace her for anything, but this anxiety shit has got to go.

My husband and I are huge University of Kentucky fans. If you have been following their men’s basketball at all, you would know that we are currently 35-0! Go CATS! This year the NCAA tournament first and second round is in Louisville, which is where we live. The Cats are housed in Lexington, about 1 1/2 away. So, I’ve really been wanting to try and get tickets to go see them. I figured, we wouldn’t have an opportunity like this again in the near future to see them on our home turf and to see this team! They played Thursday night and won, so now they play Saturday at 2:40 p.m. and I freaking got tickets! I could not believe it! Lower level and everything!

So, what’s the issue? My anxiety.

We are leaving my daughter with my in laws for almost 24 hours. It’s the most she’s ever been away from me. Why so long? The game is at 2:40. Downtown Louisville is currently flooded and about 1/3 of the parking spots are literally under water. So, we are going to leave around 1:30 (even later than we want to leave because my husband has to work until 1) and her nap is around 12:30 – 1:00. So in order to not interfere with her nap, I have chosen to take her to my in-laws house around 12:00…

…My husband then suggest an overnight…Like, he is fucking out of his mind? He knows how I feel about this. Leaving her during the day is bad enough.

But then I got to thinking…Game probably won’t be over until about 5:00 – 5:30, given that it starts on time, then traffic to get out of there is going to be hell on earth. Her bedtime is at 7:00 p.m., would we even be home for that? In case, you haven’t figured out, I’m a huge stickler about schedule. I don’t like to interfere with her schedule that she pretty much developed and I follow because it works. If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it…right? So…was an overnight that big of a deal? To me, absolutely. I sound like an insane person right? I mean, I am out of my freaking mind. But, I decided to do it. I wanted to have my mind made up before I let my in-laws know so they wouldn’t have to play this waiting game with me.

She has only had two overnights so far and I’ve not necessarily enjoyed either of them. Sure, I have fun at night when she is gone, but then in the morning, I am trying to go get her at 6:00 a.m. because I am THAT crazy person. I can’t even sleep in because my mind is racing about when am I going to be able to go get her.

So, whenever I text my mother in law to let her know, of course, she was ecstatic. Then, she dropped a FUCKING bomb on me…she wanted to take her to church the next day. Are you FUCKING kidding me? You would’ve thought she asked if it was okay if she wanted to take her out of the damn country. Tears started flowing. I’m seriously crying over this. Crying because I’m not going to be able to go get my daughter at 6:00 a.m….I know, I’m for real out of my god damn mind. I know. Even as I write this, I know how absolutely dumb it sounds to get so upset over something so trivial. I can’t help it. I wish I did not feel like this or think like this. I feel sad, mad, my anxiety is high as ever, the emotions just don’t stop.

But, I’m letting her do it. I’m going against everything I feel inside myself right now. So, instead of getting her at 6:00 a.m. like the crazy person that I am, I am getting her around 10:30 a.m. 22 1/2 hours from the time I drop her off. 22 1/2 hours! In my mind, that is going to feel like 22 1/2 years. For my sake, and my husband’s sake, I have to let go. Just a little bit at a time. WE have to have our time together too. I’m pretty sure we have not went Not having her for 22 1/2 hours tugs on my heart like you could not even imagine.

I have a CrossFit session at 5:00 tonight and I wish it were here right now. I need to blow off this tension in the worst kind of way.

Lord Jesus, y’all pray for me.

—The Kentucky Momma

CrossFit = I am DEAD

Well, I took the plunge as recommended by my therapist to start CrossFit and literally, I feel dead. Y’all, I cannot move. Never have I ever been so sore in all my life. The reward, you might as, I feel a million times better after my workout. Even though it’s only been two days, I can literally feel my anxiety drown and my mood lifts. It’s amazing.

But, I really suck. And I’m really out of shape. Like, really, really out of shape. I am literally the worst one in my class. But, the best thing about CrossFit, in my opinion, is that all the moves can be scaled to your fitness level. I’m sure if I stick with it, I won’t suck anymore, but for now, my coach is helping me at least get the moves and form down and then we can work on getting to where I need to be.

My first WOD (workout of the day) on Monday was 5 burpees and 5 front squats EMOM (every minute on the minute) for 10 minutes. You would’ve thought they asked me to do 100 of each. I for real could not do 5 burpees. So, my workout was modified, so that I was doing something similar. I put my hands on a box and did the motions of a burpee, basically just not going all the way down. I was dying. I did not think I could push through it. But I did, with my coach pushing me the whole way. I felt like that 10 minutes lasted for about 4 hours. Then, Tuesday came and I went to get out of bed and I felt like I did the 100 squats instead of 50 squats. Then, Wednesday came and I thought I had done 200 squats instead of 50 squats. My whole body hurt. AND I had another work out that night. How in the hell was I going to push through another workout when I felt like dog shit? On top of physically feeling like shit, i was having a very anxious day. I did not want to go to CrossFit at all. Any time I thought about my daughter, I instantly teared up. I felt like a bad mom for leaving her to go workout. It just weighs so heavy on me. BUT, I did go to CrossFit and I got in another good workout that was hard as fuck and I instantly felt better. I pushed through every ache and pain and accomplished another workout. And it felt so good. Wednesday’s WOD was 3 clean and hangs, 10 wall balls, and 60 jump ropes, AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) for 15 minutes. Guess what, I literally couldn’t do a wall ball. The ball’s are freaking 14 pounds!! I struggled through my first set and then my coach told me to just hold on to the ball and do the squats. Still fucking hurt, but it was much better and I could actually accomplish the moves. Jump roping? Haha, I have two fucking left feet. It was ridiculous. I only finished 6 rounds total. Most people finished between 9 and 11. So, I suck LOL. Oh well, I know I will get there.

And for all you breastfeeding mom’s out there….I am still breastfeeding and doing this! I was really scared that my supply might take a hit from such an intense workout, but so far, so good! Just stay hydrated! I drink one bottle of water before my workout, one bottle during, and one bottle after. Then I go directly home and eat!

I really hope I can stick with this because I honestly think it will help me overall in so many different areas.

–The Kentucky Momma

From one end of the spectrum to the other…

Recently, I find myself missing my old life. I miss having all the time in the world to do whatever I want and not have to care for someone else. I missing being able to leave my house with just my purse. I miss being able to leave the house in general without worrying about what I am going to do with my daughter. I missing not being on edge 24/7. Now, I plan my life around her. Now, I leave my house with my purse, the diaper bag, and my pump bag. Sometimes more bags. Now, I cannot simply get up and drive to the grocery with her because I never know if she is going to cooperate or scream like a wild animal that just got her foot cut off. I constantly worry about her. I constantly worry about EVERYTHING. LITERALLY E V E R Y T H I N G G G G G G G G G ……

More than anything, I miss my social life. I miss being able to go over a friends house without thinking twice. Now, it’s just a hassle to even leave the house with her so I would much rather stay at home.

Hell, I miss being able to drink whenever I wanted. I used to come home and have a beer or 8. Now I have to wait until she’s asleep for the night and pray she doesn’t wake up so I can have one beer. ONE BEER! My old self would’ve kicked my new self in the face for only consuming one beer.

How do you super mom’s do it? How do you even get yourself together in the morning. I never put on makeup, I never fix my hair, I never give a shit about what I look like. Partially to blame for my shitty mood all the time, perhaps…maybe I should try to fix that.

But with all this negative I have in me today, I would not replace my little girl for anything in the entire world. When she smiles and laughs, my heart melts with happiness. How did I get so lucky to have such a perfect, healthy little girl that is now starting to enjoy her life and become so aware that I am her mommy. Whenever I walk into the room she lights up. When I leave the room, she cries until I return. Just thinking of her makes my heart complete. Thinking of my little family makes me overwhelmed with happiness.

WIth everything I miss, she makes up for it a million times over.

–The Kentucky Momma